He is such a strong, caring, and confident person. To be honest, I fall more and more in love with him every day. This is one of the weirdest relationships I’ve ever been in, just because of the fact that it is virtually nameless and has only recently been resurrected from the dead, but it is, without a doubt, the healthiest one I’ve ever been in. He is making me a better person, but that’s not why I love him. He does it because he actually cares and he has no idea how much of an effect it has on me. I hope I challenge and help him as much as he does me. Our relationship and bond can only deepen with time. Its value to me has grown exponentially in such a short time already.
I am so nauseous though, we’ll see how long it lasts. Steven told me some stuff today and basically I know what I need to do but I don’t want to do it but I’m also not fully coherent as I have slept two hours over the past 48.. Life is complicated. Feelings mess things up and the heart is fragile. I’m hurting.
Basically Steven is still getting over his ex who hurt him super badly and I didn’t realize the extent of his attachment until Saturday night. Sunday I had a conversation with him that basically was me getting out of something that could potentially hurt me a lot. It was really hard and then afterward I just sat in my car and curled into a little ball and prayed for him because I can only imagine all the things he’s going to do to feel the love he craves and they’re self destructive. I know, I’ve been there before.. I started to second guess myself a little and I just felt very sad. Then I looked up and he was standing right by my car looking at me expectantly.
"Why haven’t you left yet?"
"I’m not ready yet."
"Ok, I’ll wait with you until you are."
And then he climbed into my passenger seat and sat with me, eventually letting his walls down and telling me a lot about her. He’s very stuck. I think it helps him to talk about it though. I can only hope. I held him a little bit and He held me a little bit and all I was feeling was that I love this guy so much and I just want him to be ok. Healthy, happy, and loved. And I told him that. I told him I loved him and that he meant a lot to me and that’s why I was so sad and scared. He sat back and looked back at me and we stared at each other, silently communicating. Eventually, I had to tell him enough and he left the car, stood out on the street, and watched me slowly pull away. I watched for his headlights and they turned around to go the other direction. I sped up to go around the corner and follow him home until the freeway split up our routes but he was too far ahead. That’s when it sunk in a little more and I wanted him to be waiting for him when I got home. He wasn’t but a phone call was. A phone call that went a little like this:
"I had to wait until we weren’t in person to do this and for that I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t let you see me cry. (He hasn’t cried in years..) I am not ready to let you go. I’ve fallen for you and I love you. I’m not ready yet. Please drive up with me to LA tomorrow. That’s all I ask. One more day. One day at a time."
So here I am. About to go on a mini road trip. I’m trying to not over-think and instead am looking for clarity and judgment. Please let me make the right decision. To not get stuck in something that will end up being a hurt, waste of time. Let me know. Help me know.
Love yourself, love where you’re at, love others, accept their progress, don’t have underlying motivations, just live in the present. Be here, be now.
Today marks the day that I ran almost 8 miles in blistering heat, spent time with my whole family and the guy I’ve been dating for less than a week, and then went to work for seven hours. Yup, it was a long day, but it was a good one. Anything with him is a good one.
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you’re not too big? That maybe this place is just too small?
It was maybe a little weird at first but I just feel so comfortable and happy. I love my friend and her family and friends. They are all so wonderful and I’ve been exposed to so many different types of relationships and ways of loving, it’s just fabulous. Life out here is different. So different. Her city is basically the definition of rural. I thought I lived in a small town, but at least mine is developed. And bigger at that. It’s been overwhelming at times, but I take it in stride and learn to love it and go along. I don’t want to leave!